Ha, the joke's on you: There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When

Get it straight: A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Futurama: Q: How does a man plan for the future? A: He buys TWO cases of beer.

Free drinks! free drinks!: A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8. "But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I

Feels like a fanny: Two old friends/enemies who love to take the piss out of each other are in a bar, drinking. One reaches over and feels the other's bald head. "Good God! This feels just like my wife's ass!" The man wh

Fall-down drunk: A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried

Heaven and hell: John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very di

If you were my husband...: A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

Martooni: A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes

Signs you have a hangover: You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still

Should said: This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. ''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?'' ''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a dri