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COLLEGE FOOTBALL: NORTH VS. SOUTH |
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| WOMEN'S ATTIREUp North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a bottle Perrier. Wallet not necessary-that's what dates are for.STADIUM SIZEUp north: College football stadiums hold 20,000.Down south: High school football stadiums hold 20,000NAMESUp North: Doug FlutieDown South: Dion Sanders WEATHERUp North: Snow and Ice.Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.FATHERSUp North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.ATTIREUp North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.Down South: Male - pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Panthers. Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.ALUMNIUp North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm. Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don't leave for the NFL their senior year.CAMPUS DECORUp North: Statues of Founding Fathers.Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.HOMECOMING QUEENUp North: Also a physics major.Down South: Also Miss USA.HEROESUp North: Mario CuomoDown South: "Bear" Bryant, Bobby Bowden, Steve SpurrierGETTING TICKETSUp North: 5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAMEUp North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.PARKINGUp North: An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking. Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend's festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.GAME DAYUp North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day "Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.TAILGATINGUp North: Wieners on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.GETTING TO THE STADIUMUp North: You have to ask, "Where's the stadium?" When you find it you walk right in with no line. Down South: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.CONCESSIONSUp North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYEDUp North: Stands are less than half full.Down South: 80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCOREUp North: Nothing changes.Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer.COMMENTARY (MALE)Up North: "Nice play."Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch! Tackle him and break his legs!!!"COMMENTARY (FEMALE)Up North: "My, this is a violent sport."Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch! Tackle him and break his legs!!!"AFTER THE GAMEUp North: The stadium is empty before the game ends.Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer, planning begins for next week's party. |
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