Two kinds: There are two kinds of lawyers -- those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Bad advice: "I hear you lost your court case. Did your lawyer give you bad advice?""No. He charged me for it."

Every hour: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they woul

Fees: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?Just say "Fees!"

Eight hours: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

I was your bookie: Judge: I know you, don't I?Defendant: Uh, yes.Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. De

My purse: Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

I'm sorry: Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.Judge: And why is that?Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on

The fight: Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.Witness: I didn't see any fight.Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners,

Honorable: Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?Defendant: Well, it's kind like the 'Honorable' in front of your name - not

Thirstiness: Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?